tee1up golf Golf Jokes

 

In my hand I hold a ball
White and dimpled, rather small
Oh, how bland it does appear,
This harmless looking little sphere.
 
By his size I could not guess
The awesome strength it does possess;
My life has not been quite the same
Since I chose to play this stupid game.
 
It rules my mind for hours on end.
A fortune it has made me spend.
It has made me curse and cry
I hate myself and want to die
 
I am promised a thing called 'par'
If I can hit it straight and far.
To master such a tiny ball
Should not be very hard at all.
 
But my desires the ball refuses
And does exactly as it chooses
It hooks and slices, dribbles, dies
and disappears before my eyes.
 
Often it will have a whim
To hit a tree or take a swim.
With miles of grass on which to land
It finds a tiny patch of sand.
 
Then has me offering up my soul
If it will just drop in the hole.
Its made me whimper like a pup,
and swear that I will give it up
 
And take to drink to ease my sorrow.
But The Ball knows...I'll be back tomorrow.

pic23695.jpg (18602 bytes)

Click on picture to enlarge  ha ha !
sorry about that
 This happened in a ladies US LPGA tournament recently.  Can't remember
the golfers name but after winning her debut tournament she was asked
to hold the trophy up and give the old kiss just for the cameras.

Apparently after doing this most of the photographers pissed themselves
laughing after realising exactly how it looked...

The tournament organisers have since redesigned the trophy.

 
List of Top 10 Caddy Comments:
#10 Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
#9 Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
#8 Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."
#7 Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."
#6 Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."
#5 Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. 
    It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."
#4 Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."
#3 Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."
#2 Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."
. . And the #1 best caddy comment:
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."
A murder has been committed. Police are called to an apartment and 
find a man standing, holding a 5 iron in his hands, looking at the 
lifeless body of a woman on the ground. 

The detective asks, "Sir, is that your wife?" 

"Yes." 

"Did you hit her with that golf club?" 

"Yes, yes, I did." The man stifles a sob, drops the club, and puts 
his hands on his head. 

"How many times did you hit her?" 

"I don't know. Five, six, seven.....Put me down for a five."
One day this guy, who has been stranded on a desert island all alone for ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.
Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes this drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approaches the stunned guy and says to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years" replies the stunned man. With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it and takes a long drag and says, "Man oh man! Is that ever good!" And how long has it been since you've had a sip of bourbon?" she asks him.
Trembling, the castaway replies: "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve pulls out a flask and hands it to him . He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's
absolutely fantastic!"
At this point, she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at him seductively and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?" With tears in his eyes
the guy falls to his knees and says. "Oh sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!